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TV shows

February 12, 2011

I have a few ideas for television shows which I am prepared to sell to the highest bidder. They would probably suit Channel Four.

Celebrity Autopsy: Live!

Gunther von Hagens atracted viewers a few years ago by performing an autopsy on television. The next logical step is to involve celebrities. As a flash-in-the-pan pop star is strapped to an operating table viewers can vote on which organs they would like to see removed first. (‘Live’ in the title refers to the fact that dissection is performed on a living subject.) People can also text in their ‘thoughts’, eg “thats well sick init”. As well as being must-see television the show would be educational and help to thin out the overpopulated Z-list. With any luck Jeremy Clarkson will appear on the season finale. Here’s hoping he has his larynx whipped out first.

Y Factor

There was a time when record companies were expected to find talented performers themselves and part of what we paid them for was the pain of having to evaluate hundreds of hopeless wannabes. We relied on their A&R people to ‘distinguish gems from paste’ and bring us the best singers. Shows like ‘Pop Factor’ (or whatever it’s called) have changed that. The companies have presumably fired their A&R departments and rely on viewers to do the work for them for free. Why should this principle not be extended to the show itself? We can have a show all about people who want to work on another show, following the interview process and voting for the people we like best. Then we can have a show all about people who want to work on that show. Then we can have a show… you see where this is going. Eventually there won’t be a person in the country who hasn’t experienced the spirit-crushing humiliation of being on television.

MD Factor

As the principle above works so well why not extend it to other professions? In MD Factor contestants are spared six gruelling years of medical school and all those boring exams usually required to qualify as a doctor. Instead six weeks of hilarious reality television ensue as they receive training from not-even-a-doctor Gillian McKeith in order to win a consultancy at a prominent London hospital. Each week one is voted off by viewers until three remain for the live final where they perform open-heart surgery on critical patients. The decision is down to the viewer and should not be affected by the survival or otherwise of the patients.

PM Factor

Contestants get to compete for the highest job of all. For many months they endeavour to come up with the most meaningless soundbites, most breakable promises, smartest haircuts and show off the most telegenic teeth. There are debates in which they cover their lack of understanding of the issues involved by scoring cheap partisan points. The show’s expenses are paid by rich friends of the contestants and anyone who didn’t go to public school is given an automatic handicap. They are aided by shadowy (and often criminal) spin doctors leading up to a live final in which we all get to vote for the most superficial, but, in the end, the winner is decided by foreign media tycoon. Actually this sounds strangely familiar…

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From → Humour, Satire

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